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What do you suppose the name on the envelopes will be?

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When you want to find out who is behind something, just follow the money.

Hey, welcome to the super cool low-tech search page!

You can't wait to see what is in store, and for the mail to come.

When it does, you will waste no time in embarking on the game's MAIDEN VOYAGE, and if even a fraction of what you've heard turns out to be true, you are prepared to have the time of your LIFE!!! 11/11/11 "Jane: Quickly retrieve arms from chest." Jane is not empowered to rehash this tired running gag because all of a sudden she is too busy being the other guy. You would describe your taste in film as ECLECTIC, but in truth, it isn't much less than TOTALLY INDISCRIMINATE. The thing about this modus you think is really cool is that instead of showing a completely useless wobbly garbled code on the back, it itemizes the components which could be used to create it! Just another wonderful innovation by your favorite company.

What sort of vulgar, childish moniker were you going to stick this poor bastard with? You would love to travel around the world, toppling any SACRED URNS you encountered. You can basically take this story LITERALLY ANYWHERE, as long as you don't pick one of those shadowy characters, and as long as the panels are actually finished being drawn. 11/12/11 "Jane: Get hat." You captchalogue your FAVORITE HAT, which is also your ONLY HAT. Not the most awe inspiring logo you've ever seen, but who are you to judge? (You make a mental note that when you turn 18 and inherit the company you will change it back to a spoon, you love the spoon.) 11/14/11 "Jane: Examine bowlbuster." Sure enough, the JUNIOR BATTERMASTER'S BOWLBUSTER STIRRING SOLUTION 50000 has been affected too, along with your specibus. Not the type I'd expect to trot out such persistent falsehoods beyond their humorous welcome.

You'd be tickled by the opportunity to defile HALLOWED TOMBS everywhere, raiding them of their treasures. It is like this whole panoramic cornucopia of limitless possibility sprawling before your very eyes. You spent basically your ENTIRE CHILDHOOD in this hat, pretending to be hard boiled detectives and whatnot. Everyone could tell by a glance that you were your father's daughter, sired from his loins directly and genetically, through what was undoubtedly a natural process of human procreation involving a man and a woman. Crockercorp is nothing if not thorough with its branding tactics. 11/14/11 "Jane: Try flipping switch." You try the broken switch again. 11/16/11 "Jane: Ok, back to the chest." You return to your BAKING CHEST which you use mainly for storing QUALITY PRANKING APPARATUS and a few other odds and ends. His friendly face is there to greet you every time you open your chest. Unfortunately his life was cut short at the tender age of 86 in a tragic accident, coincidentally on the same day you were born, or so your dad tells you. He is also one of your idols, and as it happens, has a bit of a history with your poppop. And then there's a customized copy of PONY PALS, a gift to you on your 14th birthday from the slippery Mr. Each page contains lovingly hand-written commentary on the deeds of this intrepid young horse.

You are also pleased to contemplate FRIGHTENING FAUNA, though saddened by their regrettable FAKENESS ATTRIBUTE.

But none of that's on your mind now, because you are PSYCHED about this SPECIAL DATE, , i.e.

It was already engraved in her HONORARY PLACRONYM on her 13th birthday, which was about two and a half years ago, and has been sitting here neatly on the bookshelf ever since.

Attempting to engrave it with another name after completing this sacred rite of passage is practically unheard of, and is a gesture nearly as offensive as it would be if you tried to name her something dumb like Barnstench Fartface.

They’d be funding investigations and demanding to know why they were being lied to. Close relatives of the most powerful men in America. And all the evidence pointed to heavy insider trading around 9/11.